Motherhood

*WARNING TO READERS...I am not a writer, I do not pretend to be. I have diarrhea of the mouth that transfers to the keyboard. I rant and rave and blab and I do not use correct punctuations and spelling. Blogging is a way to release my thoughts...I am not trying to write a novel. So for all you teachers and grammar freaks...I APOLOGIZE :)


Motherhood is such a roller coaster of a ride. We have our ups and downs along with our sideways and upside downs. But I absolutely love being a mother and I wouldn't give it up for anything. Growing up I was always the one who loved to watch kids. During parties I was in the baby room playing with kiddos or watching babies. I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up but instead GOD blessed me with motherhood :) Although I will say that I had a lot more patience when I was younger and when I did not have any kids...not sure how that works??? I knew I always wanted to be a mother but I was not prepared for what motherhood had in store, I was not prepared for my heart to be ripped out of my body and to be put in 3 little humans. I was not ready for all the worrying, all the tears, all the laughter, and all the pain that came along with such a big title. Each birth changed Miranda into a different person...a better person. I will say that motherhood hasn't really sank in or affected me as much as it has this past year. I have not had your normal childhood. I did not grow up with both of my parents and a picket fence. My mother walked out on me at the age of 2 and my father could not take care of me by himself so I lived with relatives until father remarried when I was 7, I then moved back in with father and step mother and lived with them until I was 16. Life was good but it was not normal. My father and step mother provided and gave me a good life but I did lack in some departments...departments that I feel are very important for a little girl. I was not raised with a strong motherly bond or figure in my life and it has affected me and still affects me to this day. I remember while growing up, I would explain my life to friends and they would feel so sorry and apologize and I would push it aside and say it isn't that big of a deal...cause at the time it wasn't...I didn't know anything else. But right now...at this time...in this moment...it is a big deal! I ask myself everyday when I struggle with my past "Why"....well because I have my own children now. I was Ashlyn's age when my birth mother walked out, so these events are stirring up the skeletons in the closet. Do I still hurt from my past...yes! Do I still hold anger and resentment...yes! Do I need to forgive and move on....yes! Am I ready for that right now....no! But one day I will be :) But all the ranting and raving leads me back to motherhood....although I do not know what my birth mother was going through...I could never imagine not being in my children's life. I could not imagine not seeing them off on their first day of school, not celebrating each birthday with them, not hearing them tell me "Mommy, I Love You" every night before they go to bed. Yes, I lack a lot of patience. Yes, I look at super moms..who teach their kids lessons at home everyday, who feed their kids 100% healthy lunches, who never yell or spank, who make clothes, and cook dinner every night and yes I am a little jealous...could I do better...OF COURSE...I am sure we all could. Yeah, I let my kids watch too much TV, they get to stay up late, they sometimes hear a bad song or watch a bad movie...yeah we eat a lot of chicken nuggets and mac n cheese, and no I do not always play with my children....and yes I am very hard on myself and at times I hate myself because I feel like I am being a BAD mother BUT when I look at my past...I have to remind myself that I am doing a lot better than what I was taught :) And yes there is always room for improvement and it takes baby steps and there is no such thing as a PERFECT mother. There are times where I get so overwhelmed with my emotions of being a mother. I have so many projects that I want to do for my children. I have keepsake boxes for each and I must say they are all over flowing. I started a scrapbook for Ace and want to start one for Aidan and Ashlyn. I am in process of making them all blankets. I also have journals for each...haven't written in them in a while but they are filled with letters from me to them and filled with funny stories or saying that they have said or done. I would love to follow in my grandmother's footsteps and write an auto-biography but as you can see...I am not a very good writer...kinda fly off the mouth type of person :) I want to make them a family cook book....ohh the list could go on. So I have to remind myself when I am being hard on Miranda...that I am doing a good job, that I am doing better than was done to me, that my intentions are in the right place and that there is no such thing as a perfect mother. This is another reason why I am getting back into blogging...I would love to show this blog to the kids as they grow up and watch them read all the funny and crazy things I have written over the years! The joys of Motherhood! There are plenty of times throughout the day that Mommy needs a timeout, that Mommy can not stand to hear one more tattle, that Mommy just wants to pee in peace. There are times where I think "Oh I just want to run away" but then I have Ace walk up and tell me that I am a cool Mommy cause I let him watch Zombie movies, or Aidan will walk up and tell me that even though I am still in my PJs...that I still look BEAUTIFUL, or Ashlyn Mae will walk up and tell me Mommy you are my best friend..you are special...I love you...lets go shopping :) and all the frustration and anger goes away. And sometimes I need to just put the broom down, turn the tv off, put the phone down, and get down on the floor and play with my children. Again...motherhood is a work in progress but I love every minute of it and I think I am doing a pretty damn good job :) I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART ACE, AIDAN, and ASHLYN MAE :)